Do you still think of Vietnam?

by Kerry “Doc” Pardue

A couple of years ago someone asked me if I still thought about Vietnam. I nearly laughed in their face. How do you stop thinking about it? Every day for the past forty years, I wake up with it- I go to bed with it. This was my response:

“Yeah, I think about it. I can’t stop thinking about it. I never will. But, . I’ve also learned to live with it. I’m comfortable with the memories. I’ve learned to stop trying to forget and learned to embrace it. It just doesn’t scare me anymore.”

A lot of my “brothers” haven’t been so lucky. For them the memories are too painful, their sense of loss too great. My sister told me of a friend she has whose husband was in the Nam. She asks this guy when he was there.

Here’s what he said, “Just last night.” It took my sister a while to figure out what he was talking about. Just Last Night. Yeah, I was in the Nam. When? Just last night, before I went to sleep, on my way to work this morning, and over my lunch hour. Yeah, I was there

The Wall
My sister says I’m not the same brother who went to Vietnam. My wife says I won’t let people get close to me, not even her.They are probably both right. Ask a vet about making friends in Nam. It was risky. Why? Because we were in the business of death, and death was with us all the time. It wasn’t the death of, “If I die before I wake.” This was the real thing. The kind boys scream for their mothers. The kind that lingers in your mind and becomes more real each time you cheat it. You don’t want to make a lot of friends when the possibility of dying is that real, that close. When you do, friends become a liability.

A guy named Bob Flanigan was my friend. Bob Flanigan is dead. I put him in a body bag one sunny day, April 29, 1969. We’d been talking, only a few minutes before he was shot, about what we were going to do when we got back to the world. Now, this was a guy who had come in country the same time as me. A guy who was loveable and generous. He had blue eyes and sandy blond hair.

When he talked, it was with a soft drawl. I loved this guy like the brother I never had. But, I screwed up. I got too close to him. I broke one of the unwritten rules of war. DON”T GET CLOSE TO PEOPLE WHO ARE GOING TO DIE. You hear vets use the term “buddy” when they refer to a guy they spent the war with. “Me and this buddy of mine.”

Friend sounds too intimate, doesn’t it? “Friend” calls up images of being close. If he’s a friend, then you are going to be hurt if he dies, and war hurts enough without adding to the pain. Get close; get hurt. It’s as simple as that. In war you learn to keep people at that distance my wife talks about. You become good at it, that forty years after the war, you still do it without thinking. You won’t allow yourself to be vulnerable again.

My wife knows two people who can get into the soft spots inside me-my daughters. I know it bothers her that they can do this.It’s not that I don’t love my wife. I do. She’s put up with a lot from me.She’ll tell you that when she signed for better or worse, she had no idea there was going to be so much of the latter. But with my daughters it’s different. My girls are mine. They’ll always be my kids. Not marriage, not distance, not even death can change that.They are something on this earth that can never be taken away from me. I belong to them. Nothing can change that. I can have an ex-wife; but my girls can never have an ex-father. There’s the differance. I can still see the faces, though they all seem to have the same eyes. When I think of us, I always see a line of “dirty grunts”sitting on a paddy dike. We’re caught in the first gray silver between darkness and light. That first moment when we know we’ve survived another night, and the business of staying alive for one more day is about to begin. There was so much hope in that brief space of time. It’s what we used to pray for. “One more day, God. One more day.”

And I can hear our conversations as if they’d only just been spoken I still hear the way we sounded. The hard cynical jokes, our morbid senses of humor. We were scared to death of dying, and tried our best not to show it.

I recall the smells, too. Like the way cordite hangs on the air after a fire-fight. Or the pungent odor of rice paddy mud. So different from the black dirt of Iowa. The mud of Nam smells ancient, somehow. Like it’s always been there. And I’ll never forget the way blood smells, sticky and drying on my hands. I spent a long night that way once. The memory isn’t going anywhere.

I remember how the night jungle appears almost dreamlike as pilot of a Cessna buzzez overhead, dropping parachute flares until morning. That artificial sun would flicker and make shadows run through the jungle. It was worse than not being able to see what was out there sometimes. I remember once looking at the man next to me as a flare floated overhead. The shadows around his eyes were so deep that it looked like his eyes were gone. I reached over and touched him on the arm; without looking at me he touched my hand. “I know man. I know.” That’s what he said. It was a human moment. Two guys a long way from home and scared to death.

God, I loved those guys. I hurt every time one of them died. We all did. Despite our posturing. Despite our desire to stay disconnected, we couldn’t help ourselves. I know why Tim O’ Brien writes his stories. I know what gives Bruce Weigle the words to create poems so honest I cry at their horrible beauty. It’s love. Love for those guys we shared the experience with.

We did our jobs like good soldiers, and we tried our best not to become as hard as our surroundings.You want to know what is frightening. It’s a nineteen-year-old-boy who’s had a sip of that power over life and death that war gives you. It’s a boy who, despite all the things he’s been taught,knows that he likes it. It’s a nineteen-year-old who’s just lost a friend, and is angry and scared and, determined that, “some*@#*s gonna pay”.To this day, the thought of that boy can wake me from a sound sleep and leave me staring at the ceiling.

As I write this, I have a picture in front of me. It’s of two young men. On their laps are tablets. One is smoking a cigarette. Both stare without expression at the camera. They’re writing letters. Staying in touch with places they rather be. Places and people they hope to see again. The picture shares space in a frame with one of my wife.. She doesn’t mind. She knows she’s been included in special company. She knows I’ll always love those guys who shared that part of my life, a part she never can. And she understands how I feel about the ones I know are out there yet. The ones who still answer the question, “When were you in Vietnam?”

“Hey, man. I was there just last night.”

~Kerry “Doc” Pardue

Thanks to Ben Cascio for forwarding

Share this article with others so they understand why many of today’s veteran’s behave the way they do be it Vietnam or other conflicts, this is a common thread shared by all.

Semper Share:
Author: Cpl. Beddoe
Cpl, USMC 1981-1985 MCRDSD Plt 3042, Aug 28, 1981 Work hard. Be kind. Pay it forward. Twitter: @txdevildog
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Malcom next
Malcom next
2016/08/25 12:03

Last night for me also,,,including a long time in a corporate Remf scum pond,,draft dodgers that resented me from day 1,,Never any problem with the “spitting hippies” only the real conservative looking types like my “loyal” ex wife and her friends,,the airport bar in San Fran,,”welcome back,,sorry you are too young to drink”,,a fellow soldier wearing a heart,,CIB,,First Inf Div patch,,too bad only 19,,
The constant “welcome back phoneys”,,everyone in my family and my present wifes ,,no one serves,,im like someone from mars tho I do not speak to any about it,,only other vets,,The Va these days,,Iraq and Afghan vets are the priority,,Sorry Nam types now you get hosed to the rear because you are too old,,,F all of you,,
Volunteer 1966-67

Stan R. Mitchell
2014/01/09 21:40

Mr. Pardue,

I was very touched by your honest and heart-felt post. It was moving and brought back a few memories of my on, though my time in didn’t come close to measuring up to your’s or so many others.

I wanted to say that I’m so thankful for your service and so very sorry for all that you and so many others had to go through.

I sincerely hope that you can find some semblance of increase peace in the months and years ahead, without forgetting the heavy sacrifice paid.

And I also hope that you can spoil and love your wife, more and more, with each passing day. If she’s anything like mine, she absolutely rates and deserves it. My woman is my sanity, my best friend, and about a million other things. We have to do all we can to take care of ’em. : )

Finally, I’d like to leave you with one other offering, if you’ll permit me.

Given that I’m still struggling with issues myself, I’ve been on a decade’s-long search for truth and understanding. (Most of it Eastern Philosophy, after much of the other stuff wasn’t cutting it…)

At any rate, I’ve marked up and filled up dozens of notecards of obscure sayings that help me, and that I try to read and reflect on often. (Mostly, about living in the moment, one breath at a time, just relax, etc. Things like that.)

But this one statement came to mind after reading your post, and I’ll write it in the hopes it may help you. It’s from the Book of Hagakure, a Japanese Samurai book from the early 1700s. The line is this, and it follows much talk of battle and fallen comrades, if I remember correctly. Here it is:

“The world is full of unseemly situations. If you only see the negative, you will have no value.”

Now, the translation is a little wacky, but the short of it for me was that I think I’m a better man than many of my peers who lacked the courage or desire to serve. And yet these men were happier, more optimistic, lighter… (And more employable, more desirable, etc.)

Well, there’s no damn way I’m getting lapped by some bastard that never even served, so I try to push the negative thoughts away, and I try to build myself up, getting fitter, learning to live in the moment, trying to smile more and watch kids and how light and happy they are. (That’s a Shaolin Kung Fu thing.)

Unfortunately my friend, our wars don’t end over there. They follow us home and we must fight them daily…

Semper Fidelis,
Stan R. Mitchell
A/1/8 95-99

2013/11/11 15:12

My brother died in Viet Nam. I’m glad you didn’t so you could post this. I’m passing it on. We think we know…. but we don’t. We care, but we can’t really reach those who were there even if they would let us.

GySgt Roger Sanchez USMC Retired
2013/11/03 12:11

Good Post! Vietnam is also with me day & night!